The Five Biggest Sex Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

  Good sex is pleasurable, but many of us can make sexual mistakes. Once we know what these mistakes are, we need to learn from them and improve our sex lives.

  Sex Mistake #1: Having a Narrow Definition of Sex

  A lot of people think that sex involves penetration and everything else is just foreplay. This is not correct. For some people, sex acts like oral sex, digital sex, and mutual masturbation aren't considered "real" sex, and that's where the error lies.

  Putting penetration on a pedestal not only limits your sexual options, but it also creates stress when you have sex with your partner. This is why challenging and expanding your definition of sex can be so beneficial.

  Consider adding other elements to your broader definition of sex, such as erotic dancing, massage, sexting, role-playing, dirty talk, and sexy kissing. It can diversify your sexual experience and spice up your sex life in ways you didn't know existed.

  One way to avoid making this mistake is to try to deliberately keep penetrative sex off the table. Can you and your partner set aside some time for sex and intercourse, but not for P-in-V, P-on-P, or V-on-V penetration? How else can you have a sexual connection? What other ways can you make each other happy?

  Sexual Mistake #2: Rushing to Insert

  Because some people consider penetration to be the pinnacle of sexual experience, many of us rush into it, trying to get there as quickly as possible. This can cause you to penetrate before your or your partner's body has had enough time to warm up and prepare.

  For someone with a vulva, it usually takes time to fully wake up, prepare, and lubricate. Rushing to insert can mean less fun, and possibly even discomfort. For men with penises, while an erection may happen quickly, rushing in for penetration may result in ejaculation before they want to.

  Instead of rushing, try to slow down so you have time to check in with yourself and your partner before penetration. In addition to checking for visible physical signs like wetness and firmness, consider asking if you're really feeling ready, excited, and relaxed.

  Check in to see if your entire body is alive. Ask what you really want to do. If you can feel some resistance, reluctance, or anxiety, maybe you're still in a little hurry. Use this awareness as an invitation to slow down and even take a break when needed.

  Sexual Mistake #3: Being Too Goal-Oriented

  Many people tend to focus too much on specific tips, tricks, and strategies to get their partner out of the way. They might think, "If I could do this particular maneuver," or "if I could get this skill right," then they could please their partner.

  Unfortunately, technology does not create intimacy. Focusing on doing a certain technique takes you out of the moment, out of your body and into your mind. This hinders your ability to exist and connect with your partner.

  Likewise, many of us focus too much on orgasms—both our own and our partner's. Orgasm is often considered a sign of "good" sex, however, this can create a lot of expectations. It puts pressure on one partner to deliver the goods and another to achieve results.

  Forcing yourself or your partner to orgasm rarely results in an actual orgasm. Instead, try to forgo those goals in order to build deeper intimacy and ultimately a more enjoyable sex life.

  An orgasm does not need to be a sexual goal. In fact, the next time you have sex, try taking it off the table too. Let the experience simply enjoy each other's bodies and live in the moment, no matter how it looks.

  Sexual Mistake #4: Not Responsible for Your Pleasure

  Many of us think our partner's pleasure is our responsibility and it's our fault if they don't orgasm. But if we worry about their happiness and they worry about ours, who is really enjoying themselves?

  Instead of trying to be responsible for your partner's happiness, take responsibility for your own happiness. Of course, we want to be mindful and considerate of our partners' experiences, but it's not our job to get them to orgasm. It's not their job to get us to orgasm.

  It's not selfishness or ignoring your partner's needs. It's about two (or more) people each taking responsibility for their own happiness and communicating from their partner what they need to be satisfied. Prioritize your happiness and ask what you want, your partner can help you facilitate, and you facilitate them.

  Most people get excited by seeing their partner experience pleasure. So if we do take responsibility for our own happiness and actually enjoy ourselves, it will be a huge shift for our partners. Prioritize your happiness, and you'll find that you both end up enjoying yourself more.

  Sex Mistake #5: Limiting Sex to the Bedroom

  This doesn't mean having sex in exotic places (however, it's certainly an effective and valuable way to expand your sex life). No, I'm talking about the division that many of us make when it comes to sex, which is completely separate from the rest of our lives and only engages or talks about when it's happening.

  We need to normalize sexual conversations in non-sexual settings, such as when you're having coffee or taking a walk together. If you're not ready to talk about sex, you're not ready to do it.

  The same goes for affection and intimacy in general. Instead of leaving everything to each other to have sex, try to foster a physical connection between the two of you by hugging, kissing, flirting, holding hands, texting, caressing, bathing together, and anything else.

  It's about keeping sex brewing out of the bedroom. Remember, this is love for love's sake, not initiating sex. Doing these things outside of the bedroom shouldn't be just to get back into the bedroom. Conversely, actively communicating your attraction without expectations can help you maintain passion and desire.

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