If I say this - BDSM - what will come to mind? Leather, whips, chains, heels, gags, heavy restraints and possible pain, right? For most people, the image of bondage or BDSM encapsulates all of these things, and probably worse. They are not even interested in exploring it because of the way it is depicted in movies, in the media, or in our own imaginations!
Well, I'm here to tell you - BDSM doesn't have to be what you think it is! A fun bondage - of the kind that will be discussed here - can and is a very pleasant experience for both parties - and can increase the excitement to levels not achieved before - and completely pain free!
What is bondage?
Since I do take pride in educating people about the facts first, let me start with some definitions - so we can start off the same metaphorical page. Many people don't even know what BDSM stands for.
B - for bondage
D - stands for discipline
S - for sadism
M - for masochism
Now, let's say it together: bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. Taken together, these elements basically mean: being restrained, being dominated and forced to obey your partner's demands (disciplined when you don't), and getting sexual pleasure from inflicting varying degrees of pain. I know - still not feeling better about this article, right? Wait, help is on the way!
The most important thing to remember about bondage games is that the intensity level is entirely up to you and your partner! Any of these elements may be removed, so just do what you feel comfortable with, step by step. The most important thing in any sex game is pleasure - do what feels good for you and your lover!
I believe BDSM has had a bad reputation over the years - people sometimes even dread the idea of bondage with their lover for fear that they will be bondaged and gagged and forced to do horrible things that will leave them with no joy at all! So, let's start slowly - let me take you into the realm of light binding and show you what a delightful experience it can and should be!
Make ground rules
When dealing with bondage games, there must be some basic ground rules. I always recommend the couple sit down and discuss where their comfort zone is in a non-sexual situation. Maybe go through a checklist to make sure you're all on the same page.
1 Discuss how you would like to be restrained - i.e. only arms, no legs
2 Discuss what you are willing to do in your damaged position - i.e. you can kiss me, touch me, but please let me have sex freely
3 Discuss feelings that you absolutely hate or make you uncomfortable - i.e. I don't like ice cubes on my clit, I don't like sex toys, I don't want my penis bound to anything.
4 Discuss what actually makes you uncomfortable in general - i.e. don't leave the room when I'm tied up.
Choose a safe word
The shackles community has two safety terms they use: SSC (safe, sane, and voluntary) and RACK (risk-conscious voluntary kink). These terms mean that you should always play voluntary games with your partner, you should never be compromised and you should play games safely.
To be on the safe side, you should agree to use a safe word in case one of you feels uncomfortable. The word should be something unusual that you wouldn't say -- like "groundhog." Establishing the "rules" of the game will not only give you more peace of mind that nothing bad will happen, but it will also make you more excited about what's going to happen while you're playing.
Since this is a beginner's guide - I'll slowly let you loose and show you how to seduce and tease your lover with basic bondage techniques and take them to new heights of ecstasy. More couples practice bondage than people think. For example: holding a lover's arm during sex, blindfolding, tying them to the bed in pantyhose, spanking during foreplay - these are all playful forms of bondage.
What makes bondage play so exciting is that we're eliminating one or more of our senses—which enhances our other senses, making them more attuned to what's happening around us or happening to us. when we use blindfolds
Take away one of our senses - say our vision - and all the activities happening around us have another intensity. Our ears become more sensitive to all the noise in the room, and the sound of a sudden drawer opening has us a little worried and expecting. What did he take out of the drawer? Suddenly we hear a buzzing sound - is that a sex toy? If we could see what these noises are, where they're coming from, and what's going to happen to us, all of these noises don't elicit this sensory response. We become more excited because of our curiosity about the unknown!
If you then limit movement by some slight restriction that eliminates another sense -- say touch -- you've stepped up the game. I highly recommend the Ultimate Bed Restraint Kit Beginner Restraint Kit, it comes with 4 sets of restraints for ankles and wrists and a mattress strap so you can easily live out your fantasies in your own bed. The cuffs are also super soft, perfect for both novice and experienced users!
When both senses are impaired, the experience is doubled. Now our subconscious is telling us that we are fixed - an unnatural state for the body. At the same time, our conscious selves that have consented to this activity are awakened by the possibility of seduction by our lover. Do not move. As our conscious mind battles our subconscious mind, our lover is using our hyper-arousal state to tease us and seduce us—and is also using our hyper-arousal to awaken him/herself. It's a win-win situation!
The last thing to decide in this situation is - how are you going to dress or undress when you are restrained? My advice is to get naked! There's nothing more exciting than sprinkling a hawk on a bed with your legs and wrists tied to the bedpost and your eyes covered by silk blinders! When you're strapped to the bed, you can't resist any sexual pleasure he or she has in store for you! Trust me - you'll love it!
When I suggest to you that you should start with a feather - I mean literally! Once you've decided on your undressing state -- and your immobility state -- it's time to start teasing! In the discussion that follows, I will refer to the person who is restrained as SUBMISSIVE and the person who teases as DOMINANT.
The beauty of bondage is that the submissive cannot move or resist the sexual sensations she or he will have! This is a very powerful and erotic position for the Dominator. It's also a very exciting position for the compliant. Personally, I get equal enjoyment from both poses, but my heart is in the submissive pose.
It's a unique opportunity to try all kinds of sensory touches - and you'll be amazed when your lover touches her or his skin. Feather or silk fabrics are a very sexy tool when used for bondage. They tickle, they excite, they drive the skin's neurotransmitters crazy as they pass through the skin! Being tied up and having a feather or a silk scarf run up and down your thighs or up and down your chest is an utterly evil feeling - the possibilities for teasing are endless!
Tongues are a wonderful thing. It can give such a wonderful feeling to the neck, ears, face, mouth, chest - and of course the clitoris or penis! Blowjob during bondage is a very powerful experience! The power associated with oral sex is one that many women still don't realize they have.
When the dominant has oral sex with the submissive, the experience is completely different. Submissives feel vulnerable and helpless to stop being happy, but that's a good thing! Using a heating gel here would be a great addition! Imagine being tied up and blindfolded, letting your lover give you oral sex, and suddenly heating up! What an amazing surprise and feeling! The possibilities are endless!
Does anyone have a toy?
The Dominator takes unique pleasure in his or her position of power over the Submissive by devising new ways to please his/her lover. One of the ways is to use sex toys. Most sex toys make some kind of noise - so when they turn on - the submissive person hears the toy's "buzz" and gets an expected, painful excitement that is for the dominant very obvious.
Some of the best types of toys to start playing with are finger vibrations - as these allow the Dominator to tease all parts of the Submissive's body with enticing vibrations. Nipples, tummy, thighs and clitoris can all be teased and played with, and the submissive has no idea what's coming next and has no ability to leave or fight the orgasm that is definitely building!
Guys are no exception - these wonderful massagers can be used on his nipples, belly, balls, shaft and glans just as much fun as they are on her erogenous zones! Of course, he's restrained, and can't make you stop touching his "sensitive areas" - so enjoy its power as much as you can!
If you and your lover are comfortable enough to get past "just teasing" each other while still immobile, bondage games can explore another dimension. Sex toy use can be increased, including full penetration with your submissive while she or he is tied up. Generally, sex toys bring such erotic elements to the bedroom - imagine how sexy and exciting it would be if you didn't know what toy your lover chose and when he was going to use it and there was nothing you could do about it Increase the use of the toy?
Many couples engage in sex toy games - however, many women play on their own and let their partners watch. Now imagine how excited your lover will be when he becomes an active participant in your joy! This is a big step up from the regular sex toy game.
There are only two rules for this part: consent and lubrication. You should never insert a sex toy into your lover without consent. Being restrained and/or blindfolded is a dangerous, albeit fun, position - you should never surprise your lover with the insertion of a sex toy! Second, lube is essential to ensure no pain!
So now - the sky's the limit when it comes to what toys you want to bring. Personally, my lover and I like to play with our double action toys when I'm stationary because they drive me nuts - he loves watching! If I'm strapped to my hands and knees, we'll also go anal sometimes, and then we'll have anal beads. It's all about preference and comfort. You might want to use something simpler - I prefer a big gun.
Now, if you're really taking it from start to finish -- and want to make bondage more than just a foreplay tool -- you might consider having sex while your partner is still tied up. For me, I get so excited when my man is restrained and I'm riding on him and I can control the speed, position, depth, etc. A lot of people would rather not be tied down at this point - maybe they want to touch, see each other, move around - it's a personal preference. Again, it's all down to personal preference!
For me, I like to control with my man or let him slam me when I only have my legs free! I didn't feel belittled or used. I know I could be released at any time. So, for this step - use your judgment - do what is comfortable for you and your lover!
Spanking and rough stuff
It's true that some people do enjoy a little pain while having fun - I'm one of them. Now, don't run up the hill - I'm not talking about getting blood drawn here - again, another article entirely - I'm talking about spanking. If you're not interested in it - anyway, that's your decision. However, for those of you - this section is for you!
Spanking is the #1 "fetish" activity recognized by American women! I'm proud to say that I'm one of those American women who loves spanking. So, don't knock it until you try it!
Whether you prefer bare hands, or paddles, spanking can be so exhilarating! A hard "bump" on the back brings blood to the back of the body and causes heat to rise. It's definitely an acquired taste - it should be approached slowly - start off soft and get harder depending on your personal preference!
Many women fully admit that they like "adjusted" nipples - some women will admit to preferring their nipples to be a little harder to adjust than most. What may be considered painful for some women may be considered pleasant for others.
There is a whole line of products designed for women like me and you - nipple clips and pumps - that will give you the "stress" you crave! Now mind you, these products aren't for the faint of heart -- many of them do hold your bite pretty well (hey, rhyme!) while others just attach lightly. So, decide what level of comfort you want and maybe give it a try!
If there is anything in this post, I hope BDSM doesn't have to be scary and full of pain, but can and should be very enjoyable! As long as both parties trust each other, feel like they want to explore the possibilities of bondage games, and are willing to tell each other when they feel uncomfortable - how emotional the experience can become, the sky is the limit!